On Last Goodbyes and Moving On

Dear You,

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man, with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I have loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.” – From The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks

Enough. A word I mention to myself since that raining evening last August 1, 2018. I was driving and we were talking. I sensed there was something different about you, something off. Like there was something you wanted to tell me but couldn’t figure out how. I knew if I probed I probably wouldn’t want to hear what it was you were trying desperately to tell me. It was another goodbye. Twice before it happened but this time, the third time, it was also the last.

I came out of it dazed, confused, hurt, abandoned, and jaded. It was as if I felt my soul leaving my body, my mind wandering into space, and my heart crushed as we were both in tears.

When it was over, I hoped it wasn’t true. That it was just something we had to go through. I prayed that a few days later you’d reach out to say, 'I want to start over again'. Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to a month. But as my tears began to dry up, my heart started to regain its shape, and my mind distracted from work...

it happened.

You met someone. And I knew the reason. Someone else can make you happier. Someone else could probably love you more. Someone else could take care of you. And for the longest time, I prayed to God that that someone would be me. But He said I wasn’t ready. He said you had to be with someone else.

They said everything happens for a reason. And in time, I hoped I would understand and learn to accept that we were just not meant to be.

And in the billions of people in the world and the countless hearts to care for, I had mine broken four times in a matter of six months. 

Maybe in time somewhere along the way, when our paths cross once again, we could both smile and be grateful that once in our lives we met each other.

So I leave this to you as a parting gift. Those eyes that I wished would look at me differently and for the heart that I wished could love me back... But never could. In the end, it’s like as you said, prayers and time. I wish you well.

Always,

Me

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

For A Reason

A friend told me that I should start writing again. What he didn’t know was I did but simply never published my work. I guess at this point in my life, I wanted to keep some semblance of privacy. At almost 37, I didn’t feel that the world needed to hear (or read) my thoughts.

For about 5 or 6 years, I kept a blog writing about love, life, and everything else in between. I beg your indulgence. I was young, naive, and full of hope. Now, I’m old(er), skeptical, and practical about most things. Especially about relationships. 

I do miss my old self though. So here, let me try and summon my 23-year old self back. And write.

It was Feb 16 when we first met. Two days after Valentines, I was still reeling from this Hallmark induced holiday. But I guess, I felt that I wanted to meet someone new. After all, at that time it was nearly 8 months when my more than 6-year relationship just ended. And that break up was a b*tch. I have to thank my friends and family who kept me going when I felt life and love has given up on me. But like they said, time heals everything. Even the most devastating heartbreak I had in my life. But that’s another story to tell someday. 

So here we are 5 and a half months later and still dating. We still speak daily, see each other weekly, and never run out of things to talk about. It’s probably the most mature relationship I’ve had in a long time. But I’ll be very honest, it’s also the longest I’ve dated someone and not progressed in a committed relationship. 

Don’t know why. But for most of my relationships in past, it took a few weeks before we were “together.” This was different. New. Unusual. One that I have yet to understand. I guess the universe is telling me something. 

All I know is that I am nothing special. Just a man looking for meaning. And looking for a love to last. Answers to questions that the universe has yet to reveal. 

There are 7.6 Billion people in the world. That means there are about 200,000 births every day, that’s over 8,000 every hour, 138 every minute, 2.314 every second. 

106,564,353 in the Philippines. And counting. 

I’m asking for one. Just one.

That one person who will keep you looking at the world differently. That one who will remind you to be kind, humble, and honest. That one person you wake up for every morning. It may be him. It may not be. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned all this time is that I can endure. I can love unconditionally. 

For how long? Only time will tell. 

Until then, let me just enjoy life. Enjoy the time I have with him. And accept that everything happens for a reason.

I leave you this video by Moira. For those still looking for a reason.

Malaya by Moira

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Here's to remembering

I remembered…

I remembered I wrote about my feelings… my thoughts… my dreams and I remembered I why amidst the chaos of my world I found peace.  Writing was therapy. Writing was solace. Writing was passion.  The last entry on my blog was years and years ago and I’ve forgotten how I used to put an entry everyday. So why did I lose it? Same reason as I lost my way a few months back. I got complacent.  I got so wrapped up about so many things that I neglected the one thing that made me sane.  And so, I write once more to regain my sanity.

Ever since the popularity of Facebook and Twitter, where everyone seem to now write snippets of their lives on a daily, even hourly basis, we’ve lost the essence of writing from our hearts. I, for one, am guilty but that’s going to change. From now on I will make an effort to write more…. about life and love (and everything else in between).

To Jay,

Here are a few reasons why I remembered why I love you so much.

I love you because I do not fear tomorrow. I love you because each day that I know you love me too, I feel blessed.  I love you because the fear of not knowing doesn’t bother me.  And I’ve said it a thousand times in the span of almost 3 years but it has never diminished its meaning.  I love you because you are good to my family, my friends and me. I love you because most of the people I introduce you to tend to love you more seeing that you have a very good soul and a very kind heart.  You are patient, understanding and grounded.  You care about more people than yourself. But you never fail to love yourself deeply too.  You share even what little you have to others even to our dog.  You are disciplined and responsible. You never forget the importance of family.  You give me hope when I thought it has forsaken me. You give me strength when I have none to give.  I love you because the room seems brighter every time you walk in.  I love you because you are true.  I love you because you are forgiving. You know when to say sorry and mean it. You know exactly the right time to hold my hand and when to let go. You never hit nor curse out of anger. We have never had a major fight that lasted for day or a night. We never slept angry at each other. You always want me to hug you right before you fall asleep.  And though you snore like a boar and kick me like a horse in bed, I always fall on my deepest sleep when you’re beside me. I could go on and on and bore you. But most of all I love you because you make me want to be a better person.  Always.

Forever grateful,

Your Noel

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: To Chuck

We were inseparable.  I remembered how every Sunday we went out at our favorite “tambay” place at Rockwell.  She studied and I, drew, read a book, wrote, or edited photos.  There was little need for talk but on moments we did, we’d come up with a brilliant conversation, about life, love and sometimes even some profound topic about the universe. But mostly, we spoke about life… our lives. 

We used to think that there’s too much drama in our lives and heck, maybe there still is, but we like that.  I called her Chuck from the movie, Good Luck Chuck because we both agreed like the heroine on that movie, she was good at keeping relationships but bad a getting proposals. In fact, she never had one. Well at least during that time, but a simple twist of fate changed all that. She called me Squid, because according to her, I had similarities with the cartoon character Squidworth of Spongbob Square Pants in which to date, I still don’t get, probably because I never really watch that cartoon.

Recently, we don’t get to see each other anymore.  She go married, gave birth to my godson and is now pregnant again. Once, she even told me that she didn’t want to be doctor to the point where she took a sabbatical to think about what she wanted to do with her life.  She was in a family of doctors so you could imagine the pressure.  She used to complain about how difficult it was and that even during the time she was already about to graduate she wanted to leave and pursue another career.  She’d sometimes tell me stories about her patients and how she would see that making a difference in someone’s life makes her happy.  And that’s when I knew she’d be a great doctor. 

And I became a corporate junkie that keeps me travelling all over the world.  I also kept my love for photography and until recently became a very strong advocate of HIV and AIDS when I dear friend got diagnosed positive I became very passionate about spreading awareness, education and prevention with the spread of this disease.  I decided to be part of the change. But that’s a story for another blog.

Earlier I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and saw an episode that inspired me to write this blog.  It reminded me of how sometimes life gives us sh*t and what we forget we do what we do.  We are sometimes forced to things we don’t want but have to because that’s just the way it is.  We are reminded that there are battles we lose often but every once in a while we are given the rare privilege to witness the joy we bring to the lives we help change for the better.  And this joy we feel keeps us doing what we are doing.  It gives us the strength to continue the path we chose for ourselves.

As a doctor, Chuck helps save lives.  She gives her time, effort, dedication and knowledge to the people she treat.  She may not know it but when two of my other best friends, Babygurl TR and Angel left soon after college, I got lost. And she saved me. She became a mother, a wife but to me she will always be my sister, my bestfriend, my confidant, and my soulmate.  She is Natalie Casuela-Quesada.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Take The Test: NOW NA!

Hindi na ako nakakapagsulat ng blog. Dahil na din siguro sa dami ng pinagkakaabalahan ko sa buhay. Hindi ko din alam bakit bigla ako nasagap sa mga kung ano-anong uri ng advocacy. Pero sabi nga nila mabuti daw ito sa kaluluwa. Hindi naman siguro ito penetensiya sa mga kalokohan ko nung bata bata pa ako. Pero ginusto ko na din na tumulong dahil na din sa ginusto ko ng pagbabago.

Maraming nagrereklamo pero wala namang ginagawa. Maraming nasusuya pero tumatalikod lang sa pagtulong. Maraming naasar pero wala namang sinasabi. Ako --- isa akong nuknukan ng daldal na tao. Gusto kong naririnig ang mga opinion ko sa buhay. Gusto ko ang bawat salitang binibigkas ko ay may kabuluhan. Ayaw ko ng non-sense. Ayaw ko ng walang kwenta. Ayaw ko sa pagkikibit balikat sa mga bagay-bagay na dapat kaya mong gawan ng paraan. --- gawan ng pagbabago. Isa lang akong simpleng tao na gustong makatulong. Nagsisikap para magkaroon ng marka sa mundo bago man lang ako kunin ng May Kapal. Hindi rin naman ako santo, hindi ako banal at lalong hindi ako dakila. Ako katulad mo lang din, taong nadadapa, nasasaktan at naririndi. Pero siguro ang pagkakaiba natin, pagnadapa ako, marunong ako bumangon; pag nasaktan ako, marunong akong maghilom; pagnarindi ako, marunong akong umalma sa mali.

Totoo nga atang maswerte ako ngayong Year of the Water Dragon. Parang kaibigan ko nga talaga siya. Biruin mo, may matino akong trabaho, maayos ang pamilya ko kahit paminsan-minsan may asaran, may nagmamahal sa akin ng lubos at sadyang mahal ko din naman, nakakatulong ako sa kapwa, may panahon magpahinga, magsarili at napagkakasya naman ang mga gastusin sa araw-araw. Marahil ang pag tulong ko ngayon at isang uri na din ng pasasalamat ko sa mga biyayang binibigay sa akin. Aba, marapat lang din naman ako magpasalamat. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon masasabi kong masaya ako. Kuntento sa mga bagay-bagay sa buhay ko. Sana magtuloy-tuloy.

Eto ang recent project ko matapos ang Solace, Yoga for Life, Family for Keeps ay Take The Test naman. Nung isang taon kasi, naging peer educator ako. Isang seminar na inattendanan ko para makapagturo tungkol sa katotohanan ng HIV/AIDS. Dami ko na kasing kaibigan na nagkakasakit. Nakakatakot, nakakalungkot at nakakaasar kaya naisipan ko na pasukin ito. Biruin mo, kada 3 oras, may isang nahahawaan ng HIV sa Pilipinas. Naknangputcha! Ikaw ba hindi ma-aalarma sa ganon. Kaya gumawa ako ng photoshoot with Take The Test para naman magkaroon pa ng dagdag kaalaman ang mga tao tungkol sa HIV/AIDS. OO, hindi lang bakla ang pwedeng makakuha nito. Kahit na sino pwede. Wala siyang pinipili. Kaya kung ako sa iyo aalamin ko na status ko. Ako man, kahit ilang beses na nagpatest, kinakabahan pa din kada resulta. Kahit na alam kong protektado ako lagi may kaba talaga. Pero mas maige na na alam mo na ngayon kaysa naman malapit ka na mamatay saka mo lang nalaman. Kaya ano pahinihintay mo puntahan ang link na ito para malaman kung saan pwedeng magpatest. Libre ang education kaya wag mo ipagkait sa sarili mo. Libre din ang testing kaya wag ka na umarte.

Know your status. Take the Test! NOW NA!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

OPEN PHOTOSHOOT: Yoga For Life

Dearest Family and Friends,

Yoga for Life is the non-profit organization that a friend and I started in June 2010 to provide yoga and meditation sessions to people who are affected by HIV and AIDS. The are 7 new HIV infections in the Philippines every day, mostly among young people. We have more that 300 members so far, a mix of people who are infected and those who are not, but choose to support and advocate against the further spread of HIV through education, awareness and addressing stigma and discrimination. We recently conducted an independent evaluation of our program and learned how the Yoga for Life community has become a crucial refuge and support group for many people. Many also attested to experiencing deeper inner peace and happiness through yoga

We currently provide 3 yoga classes every week in Ortigas, Makati and Quezon City. Classes are for free and are taught by the best yoga teachers in Manila who support and volunteer their time. We ask for a donation of P200/class. Everyone is welcome, whatever your HIV status, we don't ask because it doesn't matter.

To support our yoga classes and HIV awareness campaigns, we are conducting an important fundraising event. We are holding a PHOTO SHOOT with photographer Noel Abelardo on October 22 and 29. For a donation of P1000, you can get 2 professionally-shot and edited photos, a special t-shirt, and be part of a broader HIV campaign for World AIDS Day in December. For the first 50 registrants, they also get the chance to win a 3-hour PRIVATE photo shoot with Noel and can do it alone or with others.

It's for a really good cause! We hope that you can support! For those who can't physically attend the photo shoot but still want to contribute, we happily accept donations as well. Please visit www.yogaforlife.ph for details on how to participate and/or donate (we can issue official receipts).

Please resend to your friends and family! We would greatly appreciate it! See you there!

Charmaine Cu-Unjieng, co-founder Yoga For Life

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush:It May Be Easier

In the sea of people around me, I sit here pondering the eternal question, “why the F am I still alone?” And yet, as I look around, I can’t help but wonder if they’re happy too? Or are they just riding the waves of life praying that it wouldn’t be as hard. Are they pretending to be content on the one person sitting beside them? Every smile, every laughter, every kiss, every look in their eyes tell me that they are. And yet, I still consider them lucky—well, luckier than me at least.

Most people depend not on food, water, oxygen, or even faith to survive but on love. What if you shape your life around it? When you mold your stories to understand its complexities. When you surround yourself to depend on it. When you succumb to its immense power. When nothing but love gives you the energy and will to keep moving on life’s difficulties. What happens when you lose it? Love is much like dying. Only difference is dying has an end, while losing love can seemingly go on forever.

People chose to be alone because it’s easier. It’s easier to be alone than to depend on someone, build your life with someone, care and love someone only to wake up one morning and realize, as hard it was for you to find and hold on to it (love), it is gone. But I’d rather much be in love than be alone. I’d rather have the quarrels, the shouting, the paranoia, the endless worrying and the endless caring, unbelievable moments of sweetness, the feeling of someone needing and wanting you more than you could imagine. I would rather have that than walk into an empty house, travel on countries, walk stretches of beaches, and sit on a packed café or bar amidst families, lovers, and friends alone. I’d rather make love with a partner than have meaningless sex with a stranger.

And yes it may be easier to be alone…

But you’d be crazy to want it.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Sa Lungot at Pangarap

May lungkot na mararanasan mo na parang hindi mo kakayanin. Parang mahirap huminga. Parang nakakatakot. Parang masakit. Para kang mawawala sa sarili. At may lungkot na, malungkot ka dahil hindi mo matanggap na nagiisa ka sa panahon ng buhay mo na akala mo kaya mo ng hindi.

Minsan iniisip mo kung baket? Nagtatanong ka sa mundo kung may pagugukulang ka ba. Pero ang sagot sa tanong mo’y mailap. Hindi lang talaga para sa iyo. Marahil hindi mo pa nahahanap. Maari din namang nahanap mo na pero pinakawalan mo. O, pwede din namang mas maige na magisa ka kaysa masaktan ka lang. Handa naman akong masaktang muli. Pero yun ay kung mamahalin din ako ng tunay. Saan nga ba mahahanap ang tunay na kaligayahan? Sa ibang tao ba? Sa mga bagay na nais mong makamtan? Sa tagumpay na iyong inaasam? Sa pera? Sa Diyos? Sa pagtanggap sa iyong saraling hanggang ganito na lang ang buhay mo? Maraming pwedeng pagmulan ang ligaya. Maraming paraan na ikaw ay pwedeng sumaya. Pero mas madalas ang may mga pagkakataon na kahit ang pagtanggap sa mga bagay bagay ay hindi sapat. Kagaya ng magmahal ka sa isang tao na hindi kailan man kaya kang mahalin.

Sa buhay may lungkot na sana hindi mo na lang naramdaman. Tulad ng pagmahal mo sa isang taong malayo. O sa taong mahalin mo na may iba ng mahal. O kahit ang pagmamahal sa isang taong hindi nya alam na mahal mo siya at duwag ka na sabihin ang tunay mong nararamdaman sa pagaakalang mawawala siya sa iyo.

May lungkot na nakaka-baliw. Minsan yun ang nararamdaman ko. Minsan nagiisip akong hindi na lang ito ang ganitong buhay na pinili ko. Sana iba na lang. Sana normal. Sana masaya. Sana totoo.

Puro sana.

Puro pangarap.

Puro kabiguan lang.

Sa buhay ng tao may lungkot na mararanasan. Ang tanog: kaya mo ba itong labanan?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Tuldok

Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon kayang mong maghintay sa taong inakala mong iba sa lahat ng iyong nakilala. May mga panahon na nauubos din ang pasensha mo sa pagaakalang matutupad ang mga pangako niya. Sabi nga ni Bob Ong, ““Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.” Madaling sabihin di ba? Lalo na kung hindi naman ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon. Pero tama, isang malaking katangahan ang pananatili sa isang relasyon na isinulat lang sa tubig. Malungkot di ba? Pero di ba’t mas malungkot ang manatili pa sa isang relasyon na wala naman kasiguraduhan. Mas malungkot mag celebrate ng monthsary mag-isa --- na tanging ikaw lang ang nakakaalala. Ikaw lang ang umaasa. Ikaw lang ang bumabati. Ikaw lang sumuslat. Habang siya, hindi mo alam kung buhay pa.

Hindi ba’t lahat naman tayo nangarap na maging masaya araw-araw? Na ang bawat mulat ng mata mo sa umaga kasabay din ng ngiti ng iyong labi dahil may isang taong sa iyo nagpaligaya. Pero mahirap hanapin ang tunay na ligaya sa isang tao. Hindi lahat ng makikilala mo makakasundo mo din at di lang yun, yung mamahalin ka din kagaya ng pagmamahal mo din sa kanya. Naka ilang relasyon ka na ba? Ilan na ang mga taong nagsabing iniibig ka nila? Pero di ba ngayon magisa ka pa din? Minsan di mo mapigil ang sarili mong mag tanong kung ikaw ba ang may kasalanan ng paghihiwalay nyo. Pilit mong inuulit-ulit sa utak mo king may dapat ka bang ginawa para hindi iyon magtapos. Tapos, pag lubog na ang mata mo, puti na ang buhok, namayat na sa kakaisip, at muntik ng mabaliw sa kakatanong, wala ka pa ding mahanap na matinong sagot. Ang saya di ba? Ikaw na ang nagmahal pero ikaw pa din ang nahihirapan.

Hindi maganadang isipin na malas ka sa pagibig. Sabi nga ng matatanda, wag daw ito hingin at baka lalong hindi ibigay. Pero kung tutuusin, wala ka naman talagang choice kung hindi ang magantay lang. Ke-umasa ka o hindi, magaantay ka lang. Tapos kung saka-sakaling dumating nga, paano mo masasabing siya na ang panghabang buhay. Hindi ba’t wala naman din talagang kasiguraduhan sa buhay. Kung yung mga magasawa nga ng sampung taon naghihiwalay din, ano pa ba ang laban ng apat na buwan.

Marapat na bigyan mo din ang sarili mo ng pagkakataong lumigaya. Kahit pa sa piling ito ng iba. Magbakasakali sa taong pwede ka ding mahalin. Yung taong magsasabi sa iyo na hindi ka nya sasaktan, ke-totoo o hindi, ang importante sinabi. Binigyan ka ng kahit onting kasiguraduhan. Onting pagasa na sa bilyong-bilyong tao sa mundo, may isang pwede kang ipaglaban.

Gusto ko ding sumaya, hindi naman masama yun di ba?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Walking

It has been more than a week since I last received a message from him and to think that in four days it will supposedly be our 2^nd month. I had a dream about him last night. A dream that woke me up in the verge of tears. I felt sad. Sad that after all these years of finally being together it all crumbled in the span of weeks. He told me that he’s in a major rabbit hole and he couldn’t find his way back. At that point, I wanted to give up and say my goodbye but I didn’t have the heart or the courage to do it. I’m a hopeless-romantic that way, or for a lack of better word, a coward. I loved him and maybe I still do. I just don’t know at this point.

I’ve asked some of his friends for his number but they seem to be ignoring all my messages too. S*cks really! I’ve been thinking about him the whole day, viewing his FB from time to time and checking my email every so often hoping that he’d have some explanation for his coldness and disappearance.

I hate this feeling. Left hanging. Like I didn’t have a choice.

Chasing pavements was never my thing but here I am still walking.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: I am Noel and I'm in Love (Finally)

It's not everyday you meet someone who could somehow, out of no where just change your world. It's true what they say that "love comes when you least expect it."

What started out as a friendly exchange of comments on Facebook turned out to be more than what I bargained for. I've known him for about 4 years now. He was a friend of a friend. But even then we had very few interactions. I was too busy being in love with my ex (his friend) then that I failed to notice people around me. For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not exactly mind over heart. More often that not, I get so in love that I forget to even think. I am after all, still a hopeless romantic to the core. But then a few weeks earlier I started to notice he'd comment on my pictures and statuses more often than usual and so I thought, hey here's a chance to be a little flirty. He was after all, cute.

I sent him a message telling him to SMS me. He told me that they don't usually SMS there. I joked. Asking which planet he came from where SMS is not a staple serving of everyday life. I guess it was only here in the Philippines (being the "text capital" of the world) that we SMS more than we sleep or eat --- combined. He told me he was in Japan. I forgot he had been there for the longest time although I really didn't know why. He later on told me that he's been there for 3 years because he's trying to get a resident visa. To date, I still don't get why people wanting to live elsewhere has to stay in that country for exactly 5 years. Why not 3 or better yet 2 years? Is 5 years the minimum test whether or not that country drove you insane and you'd want to go back? For me, it's shorter. Wayyyyy shorter! Anyway, a few more messages after, we crossed the flirting-to-actual-attraction line. I was beginning to understand how sweet and how intelligent this person was. Two qualities I give very high regard.Days passed and emails/FB messages just simply didn't do us justice anymore. We had to Skype. Video calling and all that jazz. I remember seeing him on video for the first time and having this "kilig"moment and instantly I knew I'm into a heap of trouble.

When I appeared on DZMM Teleradyo he was among a few of my friends who watched / listened in to my guesting. I was there to promote SOLACE. My open photoshoot for the benefit of my friend who's undergoing a battle with Breast Cancer. If you want to know more about this project and how you could help, please click on this link. He stayed up late just to listen in and the whole time sending mr words of encouragement and sweet reminders. "That's it!," I told myself. "I'm hooked!". Nevertheless, I knew he wad in Japan and it would take another 2 years for him to go back to the Philippines and so I figured I wanted to keep it light and casual. Or so I thought. A few more days later he popped the question. Not THE question but a question. He said he wanted to pursue whatever it is he was feeling for me and I... I was a bit hesitant. I've never been into a long distance relationship and this just scared the bejesus out of me. I really didn't know how or if it'll work. I was walking blindly on a very unknown path. I guess the reason why I succumb to it was because I've tried to be in more treacherous territory than LDCs. I figured if this person makes me really happy why should I even stop and think about it. Heck, I was happy and this person was the sole reason. And since I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believed this too might work. But I also knew it would take more than love for us to actually get through this. 2 years of waiting is a very long time especially if you're in love.

Last night, I fell asleep while on Skype with him and I woke up dazed when he told me I snore.He took a picture and wrote something that made my heart melt like butter.


I was beautiful even when I snore.

And to you here's my reply...

I will love you more everyday when we're apart and even more when we're finally together. I'm no Pablo Neruda but there's only one meaning on every "I love you" uttered by anyone in the planet no matter how near or far. And that holds true for me too.



His name is Chris and I love him...


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

SOLACE: An Open Photoshoot for Breast Cancer Awareness

Often, all we need to do is LOVE.

A Breast Cancer Photography Project by: Noel Abelardo. Sign up here:signappnow.com/sheet/w8WFTYVN (Thanks to Sandz for the idea).

What: An Open Photoshoot: Solace, A Breast Cancer Photography Project

When: April 30, 2011, 9am-6pm (Time slot for pictorial will be provided)

Where: Pioneer Studios - 123 Pioneer Street Mandaluyong City

How: Registration fee - PHP 800 (A pre-registration of PHP400 is required - to be deposited to a bank account - sent after confirmation)

What you will get: 4 Hi-Res Photos (hair and make-up included)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Endorphins Day

“...Until I got high, until I got high… Until I got hi-high! Parap-papa-ra…”

Yes, I got so high today that it’s almost near impossible to put me down. Let me tell you why. It was roughly two weeks ago when Cris, Vicky and I had lunch at Robinson’s Galleria Veranda, when Vicky said that she needed to go register for another run. Vicky started running more than a year ago and I remember the very first run she did she practically dragged me to take pictures of her. And for those of you who know me, I am NOT, and perhaps never will be, a morning person. So you could just imagine the horror I got when she came to my apartment and I was still wet, barely awake, but armed with my camera and forced me to get in the cab. When we got to Athlete’s Foot Galleria, she joked that I should run with her. Early this morning, I completed the 3k run in 21 minutes something (official results to be posted soon). Not bad for a virgin runner, don’t you think? (Me zow proud!) After the long cue at the photobooth to have our photos taken, I did a little photoshoot of my own. Vicky, the goddess that she is, recently became the brand ambassador for Reebok with freebies galore. I wanted to take photos of her in the hopes that Reebok will like it and get me as their official photographer. Fingers-crossed and little positive thinking may prove this venture successful. (Sino-sino pa ba magtutulungan kung hindi kami-kami din. LOL!)

(Vicky's Bruno and my Fila --- I can't think of a name for this yet. LOL!)

(00:21:27 after)

We had breakfast at Figaro BHS soon after and talked about heartfelt stuff about our friend who’s suffering from breast cancer. We talked about how else we could help her out and last night, I came up with my first-ever open photoshoot to raise funds for her, which I shared with Vicky. I was telling her how worried and scared I am for this project and pray to got that I will be able to pull it off in all it’s glory. (Teaser photo of the project below).

I got home around 9:00 in the morning and decided to cook lunch for my family. After a few more minutes, with me on the wheel, my mom, my driving teacher (Ate Dada) and I headed off to Legaspi Weekend Market. It was my first time there and I simply went gaga over the array of stuff to be seen there. I felt like I was in a totally different world. It was stuff, I would see elsewhere but definitely did not expect to see it here in Manila. From food stalls, accessories, organic vegetables, to bags, notebooks, and even an area for donation for the Japan victims. Mom and I bought t-shirts to show support and offer a little bit of help. It was beautiful place to go to on a weekend, just take a look at the photos below – ‘nuf said.

(Mom negotiating with the 'magtataho')

(Little Birdie things from Patika)

(A beautiful thing done to such an ordinary household item. From Patika)

(creation by Mrs. Casimiro -- Patika)

(Reggae on a Sunday Morning)

(Coin purse from Yadu. CUTIEEEE!)

(Carla, one of the makes of these one-of-a-kind bags)

(someone give this to me for Christmas PLEASEEE!)

(Let's do our part to help!)

(Our hearts go to those victim of the earthquake in Japan)

After cooking a Paco Salad (local dish I learned to make from my Mom in Lucban, Quezon where I heart so much) and Dinengdeng with Bagnet (an Ilocano dish I also learned to make from her) and feeding my entire family, I suggested we watch Care Divas. Vicky has been raving about this play since last night and we all heard great reviews on it so it was no brainer to see it. Turned out the play was beyond words! It was so fantastic I am still in awe with the sheer talent of everyone who made this play possible. Filipinos are truly gifted artists! As in! Buddy Caramat, a good friend, played Jonee and I cannot express how wonderful of an actor this guy is. He was superb! Everything about the play was simply outstanding! To my surprise I even saw another good friend, Eric Villanueva Dela Cruz in the cast. He too was impeccable.

(Buddy Caramat, a good friend, played Jonee.)

Care Divas was about a group of gays working as caregivers in Israel. The story revolved around the trials and tribulations of these people living in a foreign land trying to make ends meet for themselves and their families. It’s a testament as to how OFWs regardless of gender, race or religion are the true heroes of this country. So for those who have not seen it, I suggest you reserve a ticket the next time it runs at PETA. Tonight was the last show but I am certain they will run it again and again, and again! It’s too wonderful not to. And oh, be ready with a lot of tissues, as this play will make you ball up and cry like a baby. Congratulations again to the amazing cast and crew! Shout out to RR Herrara who I think is cute-r in person. (If you read this, let’s have coffee or cocktails, whichever comes first!)

(The cast during their final song.)

All in all, I think this is one of the best days I’ve had in a long, long time all thanks to Vicky Ras for pushing me to run early and start what I would like to call an Endorphin-filled (high) day!

Thank God for this Sunday!

Let me think about running again next time --- with better running shoes as my current one will never see the light of day as it nearly killed one of my toes.

Goodnight!


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Ready, Set, Uhmmm

Sometimes when expectations fall short hearts break. Torn between love and the fear of falling in love all over again, I begin to question every step I take in my pursuit of finding the right person to risk everything once again. If only it were easy. If only being burned in the past doesn’t haunt me. If only he’s perfect.

But no one is.

I used to be fearless when it comes to falling in love. In fact, I used to look forward to it. But after a while, you learn. Hopeless-romantic I may be, even the best of them fall down. And I have fallen… many times that I fear if I fall for the wrong guy once more, I may not have the courage to stand up. So question is, am I ready to risk it all once again? I don’t know. We could only be so lucky as to find the answer to that question once you ARE ready.

But I guess for now, let me see where this will go.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Lucky

It’s no mystery that some people wait a lifetime to find that one person that could be potentially be their destruction or if they’re lucky, someone who can be the one person to make them truly happy. It’s because of this that one’s heart remain resilient. In the billions that live on the planet, how can it not be possible to find the one for you? That person maybe sitting in front of you but didn’t notice because you were taking a sip on your coffee. Or you may have bumped shoulders in a club or party but was too busy talking to a friend you missed your chance to say “hi.” There are some still hoping, others --- the lucky ones who have met them, and still others who have given up. Some who have lost them to death and others who simply let them go. But the saddest part of love --- loving someone who doesn’t know you even exist or worse, doesn’t love you back. And yet in these countless moments when the opportunity of love passed you by, and whether you took your chance or not, it is that hope that keeps you fighting, keeps you longing, keeps you sane.

I am a bohemian. I believe that love is the one, if not the only thing you need to make you feel alive. But it the times I’ve tried to search for it, it has eluded me. On the days I’ve waited, it came only for a fleeting moment. Yes, I have experienced love. And it is that taste for it that makes me long for more.

Last Saturday I witnessed the union of two adored friends. Two friends who shared something magical, two people who have shared their love against all odds. I have seen how it can transform worlds. I have seen how two people can have a happy ever after. And I want it. I want it more than ever. And then there is another couple I’ve seen fight so hard to keep their relationship afloat. I’ve seen them break each other’s hearts only to keep coming back to one another. Perhaps it’s stupidity on their part or perhaps, giving up doesn’t seem like an option for them at the moment. Or even that they want forever to happen to them too. And I have this other friend who waited and passed years not knowing if love can find him only to meet a certain someone he met years ago and find love for one another. Who ever said love was easy has not experienced losing it.

They say love is overrated and maybe it is but that doesn’t make it less important. But whomever that person is I hope I’ve waited, longed and prayed long enough for that person to transform my world too. I want to wake up next to someone I dreamed about the night before. I want to spend the day with someone like there’s no tomorrow left for us. I want to… just find…

You.

Whoever “you” may be.

It’s no mystery I’m idealistic or that I am a hopeless romantic. But now, I simply want to be lucky too.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Pretentions

For almost two and a half months, I pretended. I pretended that I was ok. I lied my ass off trying to believe that the I was over you. I wanted the lie to become an eventual reality. But tonight, when I saw the pics of him with your family, with your mom and daughter, I nearly cried. My heart sank and I realized I wasn't over you. How could I when every fiber in my being still longs to be loved. Not specifically by you, but by someone. I wanted something similar to what we had. The seemingly near perfect relationship that I've always wanted.

I remain steadfast on the hope that I can find whoever it is, is worth the wait. But I grow tired too.

I always believed that I'm a great guy. But I'm not. I break hearts too. And my still semi-broken heart still needs mending. But who'd be willing?

Every so often we stumble upon a chance, an opportunity too feel great... to feel happy. Yes, happiness is a choice but to get there is hard work. I simply want to love another and be loved in return. I am the true bohemian lover. I feel my best when I love. I wish it were that simple to find him. If only...

But it isn't.

It never was. Never will be.

So dear God if you're listening, if you still care for me even one tiny bit, please, please, please let him find me. And I promise, I will do better this time.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Amma Comin' Home

3 years ago I decided to move out of my parents house. Not because I had problems living there and not because I didn’t want to live with parents anymore but because, I felt the need. I needed to prove to myself that I could live on my own. I needed to understand firsthand how difficult and fulfilling it was going to be.

And now that I understood, I’m moving back home.

Ever since I moved out of my parents’ house, I was always asked by Mom to come back every chance she got. On every family gathering, lunch out, even on SMS but I always declined the offer. But in two weeks, I’ll be starting the laborious process of packing, transferring my stuff and settling back home. I feel jittery just by thinking about it. After being gone for so long, I’m actually scared to get my old life back. Back to quarreling with my siblings on a semi-weekly basis, back to the adjustment of going home early and abiding by the house rules and back to the reality that I have to spend as much as time as I have left with my aging parents. It was fun during the 3 years I was by myself. And by fun I mean difficult-scary-financially-taxing-exhausting-long-nights. And during those 3 years, I have learned so much more than I could have imagined. I’ve learned to be more responsible, less stressful and to basically take care of myself better.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to go back home…


Especially since I might get a car instead.

Mobility over independence.

Practicality over luxury.

Me over family.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Reslilience

A friend asked me, “After 3 years of waiting and then getting your heart broken, how close are you on being jaded?” I simply replied, “I am and forever will be a hopeless-romantic.” I don’t know why I replied with such pessimism but I knew it was the truth. I just need time to heal but I know in time I will be able to bounce back better than before.

***

I recently confirmed my long standing suspicion that ze ex has been seeing someone else right after we broke up. Actually, a few days after we parted ways, he has been meeting up with an old “friend.” He had always denied that there was anything going on between them but yesterday everything was clarified. He is now in a relationship with this guy. More than anything else, the seeming betrayal was the most painful. Yes, I do still feel something for him or at least I did. Now, it’s pure hate and disgust on the stupidity that I allowed myself to be the victim of a love that started with nothing but lies. He always lied to me, even then. He was a master of this art. And I, intelligent guy that I am, was played. Goes to prove that the smarter you are, the more stupid you become when you fall in love. I shall not go into the details since I am still trying my able best to actually be the nice person here. I could have done so many things to hurt him back but thankfully, I was brought up by my parents to be kind and understanding even if it’s hard to. I just figured that if I did plot my revenge a lot of people will be affected by it and I cannot bare that on my conscience. And so, I am doing the next best thing… to let go and detach myself from him. Difficult, yes but if I don’t I’ll never be able to open my heart and mind to the possibility that not all men are bastards. Some of them are just born cruel.

I shall keep waiting, dreaming, hoping and dreaming that someone out there is the right person for me. Someone I can share whatever life I have with. Someone out there who will try and avoid breaking my heart into a million pieces and then breaking them again into little more manageable pieces. I was perfectly content 3 years ago before he came and now I am in the slow agonizing process of healing once again. Still, I know I can do this. The heart, after all, is resilient.

And just to prove how resilient it is, I’m up for coffee, a nice dinner and a movie for anyone willing to have a good time with a person desperately trying to move on. Or we can go straight to bed, that might be a good way to speed things up. (Kidding!)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo